Maybe Tonight's Just Different
by Can'tThinkOfaUsername
Summary: An alternative ending to the episode where Marissa and Alex break up. Never underestimate the power of Captain Oats.


An alternative ending to the episode where Marissa and Alex break up.

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She didn't really know how she'd mangaged to let herself care this much. She just did. She was walking slowly away from the crowd. The deafening noise was starting to blend into a quiet background blur as she got further and further away. She liked noise. Actually, she _loved_ noise- thrived on it, almost- but not tonight. No, tonight was different. There was something slightly reassuring about the silence. Maybe it was just her cynical nature creeping up on her as usual. Maybe it was telling her to get as far away from there as possible, as soon as possible. She didn't belong there. It was obvious. Had she actually let herself believe for more than a second that she might fit in somehow? Maybe. Did it really matter? Maybe it did. For once, she'd actually put her heart into something. What was the point though? She knew it was always going to end up the same way- her choice or not- she would be alone. She knew that. Though, for just one second of her life, she'd let herself believe that somewhere out there- maybe, just maybe- there might be a tiny little one-in-a-million chance that that might not be true.

She walked a little closer to the water. It was weird. The beach was so beautiful. The ocean went on forever. The touch of moonlight made each wave sparkle for a moment before it rolled into the shore. The golden sand spread for miles and miles. Yet there they were- the crowd of happy little rich kids- oblivious to it all- just standing bunched together in a tiny spot, gathered around a stupid wooden horse. It wasn't even a horse- it was only half a horse now that it's head was burnt off. There was all this space, and they didn't even want it. They were content to just stand there in their designer outfits that they didn't even have to pay for and shout their childish chants and dance like blindfolded animals around a little bit of makeshift fire and a lot of carbon monoxide. It was everything she hated. Yet, for some strange reason, she wanted more than anything to be a part of it. She wanted not to have to care. She wanted to be the childish high schooler for a change. She wanted to dance around that fire and chant at the horse- because it wasn't just a horse, it was _Captain Oats_. More than anything in the whole world, at that moment, she just wanted to be with _her_.

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there. She'd just been staring at the ocean. The constant sparkling of the waves would have given her a headache if it was any other night. Tonight though, she was practically numb, and she didn't really understand why, or even how, she'd managed to get this way. However, the sound of a familiar voice made her slowly slip out of her trance. She hadn't even heard footsteps. Nothing. He was just there.

"Alex, is that you?" Seth asked.

She didn't reply. She didn't turn around to face him. She just directed her eyes straight towards the ground.

He took a slight step closer, shifting himself to the left a little to see things from a different angle.

"Alex, are you, are you..crying?" he asked gently, his voice going all high-pitched at the end, out of confusion.

Again, she didn't reply, but her little sniff gave him all the answers he needed. It took him by surprise. This was _Alex_. She was strong and she was brave and she was scary as Hell. She didn't get like this.

"I-I-I didn't realise you could..I mean..I didn't think i-it was humanely possible for you to..I mean..crying- w-what..I just thought you-"

"Cohen", she interrupted, just like she had done many times before, but tonight, she was different. Her voice didn't have her usual snap of confidence. It was just weak and whispery and sad.

"I'm sorry", he replied genuinely. "I-I'll shut up"

She nodded silently.

There was something about him though, something just so adorable and innocent and sweet, that made her even more upset. And Alex didn't 'do' upset. She was getting more and more frustrated with herself and stubbornly wiped the tears from her eyes, but it was no use. They just kept coming back.

"Damn it!" she muttered angrily, "Just damn it!"

An unusually quiet Seth gently slipped his hand over hers. Even if it wasn't who she wanted it to be, even if he wasn't _her_, she was glad of the company.

Nothing was ever simple. Nothing in her life ever had been, and by the look of things, nothing in her life ever would be. It just seemed that nothing she put her heart into ever worked. She'd had to take what life had thrown at her, and had to learn to just deal with it. She'd had to grow up when she was still just a kid. When she got kicked out of home, she didn't really have a choice. She had to make something of her life, and she had to work damned_ hard_ for it. People like her- they didn't just get given things- they had to fight for everything. She was used to getting knocked down. She was also used to pulling herself back up again though. She'd had to be strong. She could tell that people often viewed her as 'cold', but they were wrong. All of them. They were all wrong. She was never cold. She was just strong. And scared, maybe. She liked her life- she liked being wild and she liked having crazy friends and she liked being able to do whatever she wanted without anyone being there to tell her not to. She also liked to be loved, though. She'd had a lot of people in her life. Lots of boys, lots of girls, lots of friends. A few bad, a few good, a few great, and many, many, many drunken flings. It wasn't often that she found someone special. Marissa was special. She was sure of it. And for a while, it all just felt so good and so right that that she didn't want to make a big deal out of any of it incase it changed things- she just wanted to act the way she'd always acted because that was _who she was_, and for some uncharacteristic reason, part of her felt that because it seemed so right, it would last forever. She was thinking now that perhaps she'd never been more wrong in her entire life. How _stupid_ must she have been to actually let herself _trust _someone, _love _someone?

She attempted to compose herself and glanced back over at the crowd. Captain Oats was moments away from being merely smithereens. The crowd was exploding, and even from such a distance, the quiet blur suddenly wasn't so quiet anymore. The chants were quickening into a climatic blend of booming screams as the excited teenagers waited for the horse to disappear completely.

"Seth, go back to them- it's nearly over", she encouraged, "Summer's probably waiting for you".

"Nah", he replied, "Marissa can keep her company. I wanna stay here with you. Besides, if you squint, the views much better from over here, where I'm not getting my head crushed by some giant 6 foot 8 water polo player with a hand the size of my head. And look on the bright side, from over here, poor Captain Oats doesn't have to see his slightly larger counterpart meet his unfortunate, untimely death."

Alex looked up quietely, still solemn. "You brought Captain Oats?"

"What are you suggesting, Alex?" he asked with pretend shock, "That I would let such an important creature miss what is possibly the single most important date in the entire history of his lifetime? That I would let him miss his own introduction to the world outside my bedroom?"

She smiled weakly.

"Ah- there we go!" he said, "I _knew _there was a smile in there somewhere. 'Course I brought him".

He dug his hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out the horse. He hesitated for a moment, glanced at it, and passed it over to Alex.

"He's yours".

She laughed gently, "It's ok, Cohen. You don't have to do that".

"No, no, I want to", he replied quickly. "I think he could do with a change of scenery. He's been a little grumpy with me recently. I'm not even sure why. Maybe he's lonely because of all the time I've been spending with Summer. Or maybe he's just a little sad. I don't know".

"And by him, you mean me?" she asked quietly.

He nodded. "Yup".

He gave her hand a little reassuring squeeze. She seemed oddly vulnerable tonight. It wasn't often that anyone looked after her. Maybe that was why.

"Take him", he said, "I think you could both use the company".

They stood in silence for a moment, just staring out at the water.

"You should go back to them", she said again, "Seriously- they're almost done. You don't want to miss his fate, do you?"

"Aren't you coming too?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, it's alright. I don't really belong over there. I'm alright- besides- I've got Captain Oats now".

Then Alex reached over and pulled Seth into an uncharacteristically warm hug.

"Thanks, Seth", she said.

"Anytime, Alex", he replied, "You know that, right?"

She smiled, and gave him a little nod in reply.

She held the toy horse tightly in her hand as she watched him walk back towards the crowd.

She felt odd for holding on to it like it was the most precious thing in the world, when it was only a lump of plastic. It wasn't just a lump of plastic, though- it was _Seth_, and it was _Captain Oats_, after all. Then again, she knew even Captain Oats couldn't make this better. It was her mess, her life, and it wasn't just Marissa- it was everything. It was losing things and losing people again and again and again- so often that she was starting to lose parts of herself. Alex wasn't tough. She was never tough. She was just good at hiding. She could casually go from boy to girl like it was the easiest thing in the world, even though it scared the Hell out of her, not knowing what she actually wanted. She could say goodbye to Marissa and smile, even though her heart was breaking. She could wave back at Seth as he got closer to the crowd, content and proud that he'd fixed everything, even though she was trying so desperately just to hold herself together at least until she got home. She was good at hiding, good at not letting people stratch beneath the surface. She was good at building up barriers between herself and the rest of the world; but with every barrier, even though she numbed a little more, she built up a bigger mess and for some reason, it just wouldn't go away. This was her mess though, and not even Seth Cohen could fix it.


End file.
